When I was 4 my Dad first had open heart surgery. After that he belonged to a group called "Mended Hearts". I have been thinking about that term a lot lately, as I wait for my heart to mend. Will it ever mend? Can a broken heart mend? Maybe a broken heart can mend but I'm not sure if my heart is broken or completely shattered. The best way I can describe it is a broken glass door. It cracks in a million pieces and can continue to crack without the glass falling out. That is my heart. The cracking (or shattering) has slowed down but some days it breaks a little more. It holds on though and the glass doesn't fall out and I continue on. Some days I feel as though I will fall apart. This for me is life after loss. It has been 13 months and my heart is still completely shattered. There is no loss like the loss of a child.
The first few days home from the hospital were worse than uncontrollable crying. I could barely breathe. My heart was racing so fast; all I could do was pace. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to die just to stop it. I called Support Lines and talked to anyone who would listen. But I believed that I could survive. I had to for Noah. He needed me. I could not let him live without me because then his heart would break. He would always wonder why he wasn't enough for me. Why I chose his brother over him.
Today I feel that if I could just help one woman through those unbearable days, that maybe it was worth it in some way. When faced with tragedy, I believe it is human nature to want some good to come out of it. I want this to make me a better person but all too often I feel much more bitter than better. Almost everyday I am mad. Mad that it happened to me. Sometimes it's better to feel anger than nothing at all. I feel like the anger gives me control, some sort of power. I know logically that just the opposite is true. You have to let go of the anger to heal. I don't know if I will ever heal completely or just exist. I know I will never be the same; I just have to figure out who I am now. Everything reminds me of Kyle. Not a day goes by that I don't think of what life would be like with him here.
I know I still have a long journey ahead of me but I think writing everything down has helped. I hope that my story may help someone else.
